39. Choked

39. Choked, a photo by Val.ium on Flickr.

For Silences

Silences

Because it's screaming inside
This vow of silence
Racing my bones, to pounds
This broken flame
Perhaps I should go

Because it's screaming inside
And I'm speechless
Stay, stay, stay, don't go
I can't contain this heart no more
Lost cause, deepest

Because it's screaming inside
This love of mine
Forgiven forsaken
Petals are to rust
As ours is to ruin

Because it's screaming inside
Deaf to my entreats
Forever yours yet never thine
This lie we are
This truth I choke

Because it's screaming inside
Sing to me this melody
That kills with no mercy
Feathering tales
Of a rapture with no glory

Turbulence

Flickering light switch in the bright
A love living to be the destroyer
I may be turbulence
But I will never forget you

Peace in a hurricane
Moving with the pain
Cracks counting the pace
I'm looking for a lie

Turn this page
The wind is fighting
I may be turbulence
But I will never forget you

Flames as teardrops, a tempest
Lost to you by default
Restless
Won't you waste me away

Blisters on your flawless skin
My heart, bruised and battered
I may be turbulence
But I will never forget you

Burning sun on a rainy day
Felt you caress me
Sorrow as bliss, bittersweet
Impossible ache

Turning a page for I must
But I will never forget you

Letters of a Rainy Day

Accidentally, I gave you my heart
You will carry me away, hopefully
Baby, I was not ready for love
But your lips have traced my future so carefully...
For so long.

Accidentally, I have fallen
I can't deny you
I am yours, blindfully
Yet you've ran so far from me
How long until this consumes you?

Accidentally, I've let go of fears
Let me give myself to you, disarmed
Baby, I was not ready for love
But I am ready for you
Because home is nowhere but in your arms

And maybe I am falling
Maybe I can no longer pretend
I've handed in my weapons
Gave up the battle within me
How many more times will you push me away?

Accidentally, I am here to stay
Or maybe was it, all along, my destiny
To be yours, blindfully.

Defeated

Your bones are steel
But I still feel you tremble
Your core may be broken
For you cannot bend
I breathe you in while you escape with what's left of myself
You gave me wings only to cut them open

Come back baby
Come back to me
Don't leave me wanting
The game is lost with no cause or reason
No answer to the unknown
Just the echo of your voice of treason

Come back baby
Come back to me
You came in like a lover
And left like a thief
Ran through my fears, my hopes, my scars
Took me with you, too

Come back baby
Come back to me
I can't accept the defeat
I can't escape the affliction
You've shoved bricks to my feet
What for, I've lost the notion

Come back baby
Come back to me

Give me someone to believe in
Sweet sweet lies
A taste of your soft kisses

Give me something to believe in
A lullaby of all your alibies
A little bit of what my heart misses

Give it all in
and come back baby
Come back to me

Broken

I kill myself to live
Will you strangle my light?
Will you keep me in the darkness?

I have ached once too many for you to tell me...
Once too many...
Did it hunt me down
Captured what was once free
Broke me to pieces
Will you shatter my inner?

(because) I have ached once too many for you to tell me...

I've stopped running
Quit the battle, couldn't handle the defeat
Passed you by
You
Your eyes
Your heart

I have ached once too many for you to tell me...
Once too many...
Will you hunt me down
Capture what is free
Broke me to pieces
Will you shatter my inner?

(because) I have ached once too many for you to tell me...

Your touch may never feel me
For you never saw me completely
Have you ever looked my way
Yet your soul will forever haunt me

I have ached once too many for you to tell me...
Once too many...
Can't hunt me down, can't capture me
'cause you'll never break me to pieces
You can't get to my inner

Because I have ached once too many for you to tell me you love me.

Lover in the Doorway

Time's up
Did you wake up suffocated?
It's your one chance to go
Leave before I get to you
Lover in the doorway

I'm the tears you cried for her
The passion that insists
The fear that hides in the darkness of your heart
The love that feels right when it's hated

Run before I get to you
The game's never over until you lose
In the stillness of each morning
Can I only find the breeze of your ghost
Had you never discovered my secret

Run for this is too much
...or not enough
Run in the dark
Your time is up

She showed you to hide true colors
She destroyed your inner
Poked holes in your lungs
Until your shadow became a one-man show

Be my night runner
I'll be your fugitive
Until love kidnaps us.

How much?

How much for Freedom
The devil's got your soul
Where are you gonna run to?
You're steel and I'm heartless

How much for Freedom
Your hate, your pain, your sex
Things to never be forgiven
Until your own echoes numb your nightmares

How much for Freedom
Sins are my only way out
Is the auto-destruct function in?
For you must break me to see my insides

How much for Freedom
Hit me up again, give me some more
Only when I am dead can you feel me
Everything is better once you lost it

So much for Freedom

Home

Hold my hand, let's go back home.
Destroy the pavement with your footsteps in the quietness of my fears.
Birds will always be birds,
For humans will forever deceive their own shadows.
I will deceive myself, time after time again.
I will remain undone, uncut
Censored by the silence that breaks after everything has been reduced to pieces.
For home is nowhere but within a time frame.
Home is nowhere, yet you are here.
A rush of blood
A twitch
A tear in your soul
Brings you to your knee, begging for more
More to a lesser degree
Bird wanting to be human
For he never wants to fly again on his own
Wind in his broken wings
Hold my hand, let's walk back home
Destroy my fears to the sounds of the undeclared footsteps.

My Dear Friend

Here's to you my past companion
Here's to you, now that i cannot retain your fist when you are enraged with the world.
The nights you spent fighting with your own shadow, you always lost the battle.


Here's to you, drowning in your poison, or have you already drowned?
You told me to run away before I could reach out for your hand
You said stay, you said hate me, you begged dont leave
I dug the soil, ran in your rivers, got lost in your forestfires.


Here's to you for i can not pretend this isn't slowly murdering my insides
I loved you, i love you, i love you
Here's to you my dear friend, for i can love you no longer

I Remember the Day

I remember the day I fell to the ground and couldn't get back on my feet.
I remember the weight of the pain, the faintness of my heart, slowly cracking open, a burst in my chest, my legs, my feet.
I couldn't go anywhere, couldn't hide, couldn't run.
Disarmed, you had won me over.
Defeated by my own game, my hopes and fears, I burnt my bridges in the faith they would desire no more.

White Lies and Excuses

In your eyes, i saw the past, the present and future tense, conjugated, correlated, beautifully put together.
In your eyes, i saw the love, the affliction and the pain indistinctly, narrowingly pinpointing the emptiness of our existence.
I saw them questioning the life of this story, only when it was too late.
Foolish, inconsiderate, selfish.
Your eyes told me to worry but i had already fallen on my knees.
Bruised and cracked open, twisted aching bones i was silently screaming myself out of this
I was looking for redemption.
I was looking for a little bit more of what i never could feel.
And oh so easily did you show me what i will never be for you.
Oh how i love your white lies and excuses.

Sometimes

Sometimes, i wonder how we would make out to be. if we wasn't you and i. if the you in the we hadn't deceived and if i hadn't packed my bags and walked away. yet, sometimes i wish...i wish i could remember the aroma of your skin, the taste of your guilt on your kiss so delicately placed, so quiet and humble. Had you had a second thought on your indiscretion ...or were you scared of what you may discover. but you kept me alive did our lips faintly meet in the hopes of knowing you for the instant.

And sometimes i wonder if i were her, would i pack and walk away?

Confession

I know there's a way out of this town, out of myself. the tingling feeling in my feet, the butterflies in my stomach, the rush to my head and the thought of never coming back never felt more grand, more bold, yet so close...one shot away, one breath away...just a little bit more and i'm right there with you and out of everything i would ever want to escape. until i'm off my clouds, back to where i never wanted to be, where comfort is not to be found.

fail me now. hurt me again. twist the metal until the pain numbs. make me bend until i break. NOW, HERE, ALWAYS. paying my dues, mistakes i've got to find forgiveness for. the weight of life, you could never show me enough. so i get up, and pay again. Take in the nothingness you are giving me. Making me incomplete, dirty, disgusting: the way i've always been.

Won't you please hit me again? i have never felt so dead.

Shattered Bones

What did they do with the gun? did you hear my body shatter? every little pieces falling to the ground. pleasantly deconstructed, unbuilt, undone...somehow maybe the gun fired. maybe my flesh ate the bullet, or did i dodge it..who knows.

Was this the path you were looking for? Did it lead you to a better place? The emptiness of your overeverything will always leave you wanting.

i'll see you in the morning.

Disgrace, dismay. that's all i've ever needed from you.
don't fail me now, don't deceive me.
a little more of your indecencies might make me fleshier
nourish my insanity, help me drown in your sorrow.
take me for granted, abuse me, leave me unwanted.
make me disposable, make me replaceable.
i just might want you some more.
let me crave your disrespect.
if,for a moment, i could have your soul
can i only bring your corpse to life for a few seconds, a breath or two.
Until i become disposable, replaceable.
...if i could see you in the morning.

the roads we will never share

Sometimes, i can still feel your body's warmth beside me, your soft breath down my neck, the twirls of your hair between my fingers, and everything little pieces of my puzzled heart...complete. the ghosts of every little golden lies placed so carefully in every of your sentence still echoe in my ears, and somehow soothe my soul. if only i had one last chance. just one last chance to believe in you, believe in your falsificated self for an hour, or even seconds, maybe my world would make a little more sense.
but the reverbarations of your escaping footsteps do not ring anymore. i would have shared the world's effervescent secrets,the worst of my desires, the hidden corners of the world.
but you are gone and i remain...puzzled and incomplete.

Destroy and Reconstruct

Where were you all those nights spent losing yourself in the crowd, really? did you find yourself at the bottom of your Manhattans? on the bed of nocturnal princesses? or at the end of every white trails of part-time heaven? the crowd might have shallowed you years ago without your consciousness. The remain might as well be an empty soul looking for short-term affection and love made out of pixie dust. the mornings sting your moral sense and shake your loneliness, and so await the night to drown your sorrow in an excess of epicurian desires too empty to make you feel complete. so i'm asking, at that moment, where were you? in the arms of another? at the end of the road with yourself... back up, you've come to an end. the end of playing games, of not facing the veracity of your sad little life. back up, you're slipping. although the bottom is not so far, back up. once you've hit the bottom, there are no coming back. just acceptance. the acceptance of the nothingness you might become. back up and start running back, back to yourself. one foot in front of the other. destroy and reconstruct. Crash and fall to better rise up.

everything is done

inhale. hold. release. feel it...you dont?
here you are. did you find yourself? is this place home?
somehow you have never been so close to it, yet it seems impossible to grasp. The more you try, the further you may be from it.

go on, keep trying. everything is done any way.

Post Mortem

A bitter feeling woke me up this morning...it was the way i felt a day three months or six years ago....i cant quite remember. it was the day you came into my life and took the best out of me. today, i got out of bed felt dizzy nauseous yet nothing as ever been so clear to me. i was sick. i was missing something. MYSELF. i got out of bed, opened the door and ran out. i started running....and so i ran. ..im not sure if it was to try and escape your ghost or maybe to exit this horrible phantasmagoria of life....either way, the running was useless. so i ran faster and further. how could i? why did i? i sometimes feel like screaming and make you see just how i feel. how i am now. because after you abused me, i used....to forget....to make my life a little more numb so i could handle the pain. you can call me weak. you can call me foolish, but here i am sober and without a clue of who ive become. here it is, this page, NOT dedicated to you but more about how i found a new me after all of you.