Confession

I know there's a way out of this town, out of myself. the tingling feeling in my feet, the butterflies in my stomach, the rush to my head and the thought of never coming back never felt more grand, more bold, yet so close...one shot away, one breath away...just a little bit more and i'm right there with you and out of everything i would ever want to escape. until i'm off my clouds, back to where i never wanted to be, where comfort is not to be found.

fail me now. hurt me again. twist the metal until the pain numbs. make me bend until i break. NOW, HERE, ALWAYS. paying my dues, mistakes i've got to find forgiveness for. the weight of life, you could never show me enough. so i get up, and pay again. Take in the nothingness you are giving me. Making me incomplete, dirty, disgusting: the way i've always been.

Won't you please hit me again? i have never felt so dead.

Shattered Bones

What did they do with the gun? did you hear my body shatter? every little pieces falling to the ground. pleasantly deconstructed, unbuilt, undone...somehow maybe the gun fired. maybe my flesh ate the bullet, or did i dodge it..who knows.

Was this the path you were looking for? Did it lead you to a better place? The emptiness of your overeverything will always leave you wanting.

i'll see you in the morning.

Disgrace, dismay. that's all i've ever needed from you.
don't fail me now, don't deceive me.
a little more of your indecencies might make me fleshier
nourish my insanity, help me drown in your sorrow.
take me for granted, abuse me, leave me unwanted.
make me disposable, make me replaceable.
i just might want you some more.
let me crave your disrespect.
if,for a moment, i could have your soul
can i only bring your corpse to life for a few seconds, a breath or two.
Until i become disposable, replaceable.
...if i could see you in the morning.

the roads we will never share

Sometimes, i can still feel your body's warmth beside me, your soft breath down my neck, the twirls of your hair between my fingers, and everything little pieces of my puzzled heart...complete. the ghosts of every little golden lies placed so carefully in every of your sentence still echoe in my ears, and somehow soothe my soul. if only i had one last chance. just one last chance to believe in you, believe in your falsificated self for an hour, or even seconds, maybe my world would make a little more sense.
but the reverbarations of your escaping footsteps do not ring anymore. i would have shared the world's effervescent secrets,the worst of my desires, the hidden corners of the world.
but you are gone and i remain...puzzled and incomplete.

Destroy and Reconstruct

Where were you all those nights spent losing yourself in the crowd, really? did you find yourself at the bottom of your Manhattans? on the bed of nocturnal princesses? or at the end of every white trails of part-time heaven? the crowd might have shallowed you years ago without your consciousness. The remain might as well be an empty soul looking for short-term affection and love made out of pixie dust. the mornings sting your moral sense and shake your loneliness, and so await the night to drown your sorrow in an excess of epicurian desires too empty to make you feel complete. so i'm asking, at that moment, where were you? in the arms of another? at the end of the road with yourself... back up, you've come to an end. the end of playing games, of not facing the veracity of your sad little life. back up, you're slipping. although the bottom is not so far, back up. once you've hit the bottom, there are no coming back. just acceptance. the acceptance of the nothingness you might become. back up and start running back, back to yourself. one foot in front of the other. destroy and reconstruct. Crash and fall to better rise up.

everything is done

inhale. hold. release. feel it...you dont?
here you are. did you find yourself? is this place home?
somehow you have never been so close to it, yet it seems impossible to grasp. The more you try, the further you may be from it.

go on, keep trying. everything is done any way.

Post Mortem

A bitter feeling woke me up this morning...it was the way i felt a day three months or six years ago....i cant quite remember. it was the day you came into my life and took the best out of me. today, i got out of bed felt dizzy nauseous yet nothing as ever been so clear to me. i was sick. i was missing something. MYSELF. i got out of bed, opened the door and ran out. i started running....and so i ran. ..im not sure if it was to try and escape your ghost or maybe to exit this horrible phantasmagoria of life....either way, the running was useless. so i ran faster and further. how could i? why did i? i sometimes feel like screaming and make you see just how i feel. how i am now. because after you abused me, i used....to forget....to make my life a little more numb so i could handle the pain. you can call me weak. you can call me foolish, but here i am sober and without a clue of who ive become. here it is, this page, NOT dedicated to you but more about how i found a new me after all of you.